How self-work has improved the quality of my relationships

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Just as attachment injuries happen in relationship, so too can they be repaired in relationship. If we are able, later in life, to find a healing relationship or relationships, we can start healing some of our trauma. -- Center for Mindful Psychotherapy

Relational healing is not something I ever expected to write about. For one, the way we usually think of relational healing -- that is, healing through healthy and securely attached relationships, such as with therapists, healthy friendships, and healthy romantic relationships -- is in some ways out of our control. We don't choose our friends and partners based on the probability that we will experience relational healing with them. Relational healing just... happens.

I'm currently finding myself in the healthiest, most fulfilling and honest romantic relationships I've ever had. Certainly, some of that is out of my control -- it's about other peoples' willingness to show up, too.

But it's also not a coincidence that this is happening now, at this point in my life, when I've done the most relational healing with myself. And I do count that as a relationship, with all the sublimity, challenges, and growth that relationships bring.

Indeed, I think the last five years of intensive self-work have gradually cleared the way for such beautiful relationships to show up in my life. So while most of my writing is dedicated to "the work," today I connect the dots between my work and my present joy. Yes, joy!

Without further ado, here are the top 4 abilities I've gained in relationships from my self-work:

More honesty about my feelings, especially when they are "bad" or "negative"

My Achilles heel in relationships is that I find it extremely hard to voice concerns, frustrations, disappointments, and even plain misunderstandings. I'm scared of disturbing the peace, upsetting the other person, being "wrong" (and therefore unjustified in my feelings), and being abandoned... all at once.

Mindfulness has made it possible to notice my negative feelings with awareness, and self-love has made it possible to hold my feelings with tenderness. I no longer override my negative feelings, ignoring them or downplaying them in favor of not starting conflict. I know that I show up as a better partner if I don't hold back negative feelings in the moment.

An increased capacity to deal with discomfort

Hand in hand with emotional honesty comes discomfort: How will my lover react? How will I tolerate this (hopefully) temporary emotional distance between us? Especially in complex conflicts, it used to be terribly tempting to just give in and apologize, even when my heart wasn't totally in it, just to smooth things over. In fact, I was so invested in reestablishing peace that I actively suppressed the parts of me that couldn't or wouldn't apologize -- even when it was for good reason.

I've since learned that it undermines my integrity and erodes trust when I give apologies that are internally unaligned -- especially if they are pressured or coerced, which in healthy relationships, they are not. Even if the conflict takes longer to resolve because of that, it's important to stick around for the process, even though it's uncomfortable. Practice holding my own negative feelings has helped me ride out these periods of discomfort.

Increased self-reliance and increased strength of my social support network

One of the things that sucks so bad about being in conflict with your boo(s) is that if you don't have other strong social supports, it can get pretty damn lonely. Immediately after a long period of self-isolation three years ago, I was nowhere near okay enough to start a new relationship, but I built up my close friendships slowly and intentionally. These people are still the people I call home, and still the people I come to all the time, relationship trouble or not.

Increased capacity to delight in the joy of relationships and to savor love

It's said that as we increase our ability to hold suffering, so too do we increase our ability to hold joy. I don't take these relationships for granted because I know how unhealthy relationships can get. I don't take these relationships for granted because I know that none of us is forever, that no relationship is forever -- and that since life, people, and relationships are so impermanent, I don't want to zone out and miss how incredible they are.

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One day, I hope to write more about the relational healing these partners have gifted me (with their permission!) But for now, suffice it to say that even as individuals with no control over another person, we ourselves gain so, so much from self-work. While that work isn't ever "complete," I can honestly say that I am happier and suffer less in relationships because of what I've worked on in myself, and it inspires me to keep going.

The path is the way -- and that path is beautiful.

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